


My Boyfriend's New Parents

by unoriginalHandle



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Humor, Meeting the Parents, Post-Canon, Spoilers for Episode: s05e18 A Single Pale Rose, White Diamond is scary, dumb
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-05-05 07:32:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14612901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unoriginalHandle/pseuds/unoriginalHandle
Summary: Connie thought she was on good terms with Steven's family, but now it turns out that he has a few extra moms lying around - and they're considerably less friendly.But Connie can handle it...right?Don't read if you haven't watched "A Single Pale Rose".





	My Boyfriend's New Parents

**Author's Note:**

> This is a dumb thing I made. Future chapters may have more angst, but it will probably always be a bit goofy.
> 
> DO NOT READ without being caught up. Just don't.
> 
> Lastly, HEADS UP: there's a dick joke early on that may come across as transphobic, but it's less about being a dick to trans people, and more about sexless alien overlords having a shit understanding of human reproductive organs. You have been warned.

 

 

 

"You're  _sure_ that you want to go through this without any kind of legal counsel?"

Blue Zircon leaned against the wall of the chamber and held her hand to her lips like she was trying to resist the urge to vomit. Connie wouldn't admit that she felt about the same. They stood in the chamber directly beneath the courtroom, a close-to-perfect replica of the one located on Homeworld. They were aboard White Diamond's flagship, the  _Godhead,_ and in less than a minute, the ceiling would open up, and the platform would lift Connie into the room where she would meet the three heads of the Diamond Authority - her boyfriend's newly discovered relatives.  _I swear, that boy finds new moms like I find quarters in the couch cushions,_ thought Connie. 

Connie said, "Miss Zircon, this is just a personal meeting, not a trial-"

" _Isnt it, though?!"_  Zircon interrupted, trying (and failing) not to scream. "You're - you're  _dating_ a Diamond! That has to be a crime of some sort, but we never put it on the books because  _nobody ever does that._  I - I dunno  _what_ they're gonna do to you-"

"Nothing bad is gonna happen, Zircon," Connie assured. She tried not to sound as though she were not trying to convince herself, which she was. "I'm just going to go in, introduce myself, have a little talk, we'll learn a bit about each other, and then we'll go from there."

Zircon massaged her clammy, sweat-drenched brow. "I- I still feel as though we should put together a statement, something we can retreat to if the conversation goes a way we don't like. Quick, just tell me anything that might get you vaporized, and I'll try and find a way to make it less corporal punishmenty."

"It's gonna be fine-"

" _I did my best last time I served court, and it was emphatically not fine! Yellow Diamond squashed me!"_

"Please, Zircon, just have faith in me like I have faith in you."

"You...you have faith in me?"

"Well, yeah! Steven vouched for you, and his word is good enough for me! If it wasn't, then I wouldn't be here right now, because then I'd be talking to a bunch of genocidal dictators who tried to blow up the earth without the assurance that 2/3rds of them are actually okay people, oh God, this is dumb-" 

Connie started rambling and clutching her head, and Zircon had to take her by the shoulders. "Hey, hey, we are in this  _together_. One of us has to keep a cool head in there, and it ain't gonna be me! You were saying just a minute ago it's gonna be just fine."

Connie forced her breathing to slow, and she rasped out, "Y-yeah! Just fine. Fine!"

"Just fine!"

"Perfectly fine!"

They both forced smiles and put their hands together in a high five. Then the platform lurched with a groan, and Zircon's eyes went wide. "Oh stars oh stars oh stars we gotta get in place."

The ceiling above them opened up into a high, dark room. Connie and Zircon scrambled to look like they were totally calm and prepared as the platform rose into the room. Zircon stood as regally and dignified as she could with her hands behind her back and she whispered out the side of her mouth. "Now just act casual, but not  _too_ casual because the Diamonds can sense disrespect, so be humble,  but really reel it in because they don't like suck-ups, and  _oh my stars they're already seated."_

She shut her mouth and scrunched her lips up as she realized the Diamonds were already present, instead of making their usual stately entrance. They sat in three massive thrones staring down at the platform, with Blue and Yellow's Pearls seated on their chair arms. Blue, with her hood up and her intertwined fingers covering her mouth, looked inscrutable. Yellow had her arms folded and sneered down at Connie. Her intimidating aura was spoiled somewhat because White Diamond's boot was hovering a meter away from her face; seated in the center, White was sprawled out sideways on her chair, legs propped up over one arm of her throne. She didn't even look at Connie, but was instead playing a video game on a holographic display, which looked similar to Tetris. She had a bored expression, and even with the other two in the room, Connie sensed the greatest hostility coming from her, as if she resented even being present for this meeting.

There was a moment of awkward silence as Zitcon dithered on whether she was allowed to speak without permission. As this moment stretched into the fifth second, she cleared her throat and chanced an introduction. "Oh, Illustrious Diamonds," she began in a loud, overly solemn voice, "creators of all that is, stewards and divine mothers of all Gemkind, we thank you for giving us an audience-"

"Stuff it, Zircon," said Yellow Diamond shortly. "You can save the pleasantries for court proper. This is a strictly informal meeting."

"If this is informal," said White, "then why do I even need to be here?"

"Because we asked you to," said Blue.

"Because...?"

"Because this little human is important to Steven, and since she is important to one Diamond, we must all take appraisal of her."

White groaned, and Connie saw a L-block drop out of alignment on White's screen. 

Zircon's eyes flitted between each queen as she spoke, and she made her quick introduction, "Presenting Connie Maweshwaran of Earth,  _Iloveyouallpleasedonthurtme."_ Then she stepped back and nudged Connie forward. "Uh...hi, your Majesties," she said with a slight wave of her hand.

"Hello, Connie," said Blue. She dropped her hands from her face, but although her voice was pleasant, her expression was totally neutral. "I am Blue Diamond, and we are very interested to make your acquaintance."

"I am Yellow Diamond, and we are very interested to know what your intention is regarding our beloved Pink Diamond." Yellow narrowed her eyes.

"Sup, I'm White, you mean less than nothing to me." White droned this sentence without even looking at Connie. Yellow reared her head back against her chair as White swung her legs around, and her throne spun lazily in a circle to face away from Connie.  The faint sounds of synth music could be heard from behind the slab of thick marble she sat in.

Blue frowned, but Connie noticed that she averted her gaze instead of pointing it towards White.  _Is she...scared of her?_ They were all scary to Connie, of course, but oddly, White seemed the least so. Connie wondered if maybe that was a poor judgment on her part. 

"We have brought you here," said Blue, picking up the lead, "to get an estimate of your character. Simply put, we wish to know you better." Blue smiled, and Connie realized she was supposed to feel incredibly honored by this statement, so she smiled as widely as she could. The grin withered away as Yellow cut in, "We wish to know whether you are a threat or not, and whether you need to be...removed."

"Yellow..." Blue warned. The peace treaty the Crystal Gems and the Authority had signed had severely limited the Diamonds' ability to threaten people, and Yellow was coming very close to violating it.

"I'm not bullying, I'm merely asking..."

"Yeah, Yellow, way to pretend like these peace accords  _haven't_ got your Gem in a vice," commented White.

" _As I was saying,"_ said Yellow, turning to Connie, "are you, or are you not, dangerous?"

Connie had always believed that, after years of reading fantasy novels, were she ever asked this question, she would belt out something similar to Gandalf's "Dangerous, and so am I!" speech from _The_   _Lord of The Rings_ and get across the message of, "Yeah, but not to good people." But now that the question was finally here, all she could say was, "Nuh- no! Steven's adorable, and kind, and sweet, and no! Never!" 

"So sincere," said Blue, and her smile widened. But Yellow leaned forward in her seat and fixed Connie with her stare.

"You may very well  _like_ Steven, but you may like him a bit too much for my tastes."

"I...I don't know what you mean," Connie said as she blushed and stared at the floor.

"Oh, it's obvious that you have romantic feelings for the boy!" Said Yellow.

"We are merely concerned," said Blue. "Openly pining for a Diamond is highly irregular, but then, so are most things concerning Pink Diamond's new...condition. As caring guardians, we merely want to make sure-"

" _Do you have a penis?!"_ Yellow blurted out.

" _Excuse you?!"_

Blue groaned and slapped her forehead. "Oh my stars- Yellow! You cannot simply ask a human about their reproductive organs! It is incredibly rude!"

"Rude, hell!" Yellow snapped back. "I think it's very much my business to know if this girl has a Diamond-killer on her person while she's playing with my little boy!"

Connie looked back and forth between them, confused. "Wha-?"

Blue grimaced and said, "Forgive her impertinence, Connie. It's just that...you see, it's been a bit of a strange journey for us all. First, we hear that Pink Diamond is dead, and we mourned her. Then, it turns out she's alive, and we were thrilled! But, then, we find out she really is gone because of this human mating process, and now we've had to get to know her-  _him_ all over again, and we certainly don't wish to go through this process a second time. So naturally, we are all a bit leery regarding these 'penises'" - she made air quotes with her fingers- "and 'testes.'" More air quotes. "But, since Yellow brought up the subject, albeit indelicately..." She lowered her hood and stared Connie down. "We _can_ trust that you won't impregnate Steven, yes?"

Connie's face turned bright red. A voice said, "You know what?" White Diamond had turned around and was actually looking at Connie for the first time. "I take it back, I'm glad to be here for this." 

"Trust me, my Diamonds, there is  _absolutely_ no chance of me getting Steven pregnant," said Connie, shaking her head. "In fact,  _if_ we had relations - and I don't want to have relations, I mean, we're just kids - there'd be a better chance of him getting  _me_ pregnant."

"Oh, and  _there_ it is!" cried Yellow. "She's going to ingest our boy with her horrid digestion system and assimilate him into her being! She'll probably get some sick sexual thrill out of it, too!"

"Now, Yellow, don't be ridiculous, humans don't work like that," Blue said. 

"Actually, I've been looking at the humans' information network," said White. "And some of them are definitely into that sort of thing."

Blue looked taken aback. "Is...is this true, Connie?"

"Well, yeah, a very few people fantasize about that," said Connie. "But that's not a concern with me!"  _I mean, for one thing, there's a large divide between fantasy and reality at work here, I mean, come on, it's not remotely practical._

"I don't believe you," said Yellow.

"You don't - _look._ My Diamonds, with all due respect, I think you're all still a little inexperienced with human anatomy," said Connie."My mother is a doctor, and I'm sure she'd be happy to help you all get a better understanding of it all."

White asked, "What's a mother?" 

"Well, my mom is the person who made me, and raised me," explained Connie. "We've got the same relationship between us that you guys had with Pink Diamond."

"You mean she's a powerful, relentless dictator who oversees your progress in following in her footsteps?" asked Yellow. 

"Please don't ever tell her I said this, but  _yes._ Yes, that is  _exactly_ what she is."

"Hmm. I like her already."

"Maybe I could connect you guys," said Connie. "Then she could give you guys some brief sex education and we can put this whole misunderstanding behind us."

"Unnecessary," said White. "The humans have a wide library of visual aids. It takes up, like, 60% of their global data network's total memory. Here, let me show you."

Connie waved her arms frantically. "No! No, my Diamond, you do  _not_ want to do that, pornography is a very inaccurate portrayal of-"

White ignored her and said, "Putting it on the main screen."

A 40-foot high hologram suddenly materialized behind Connie, a large, flat pane displaying material owned by Brazzers. Yellow and Blue gasped and held their hands to their mouths, but White only said, "Man, look at the big guy  _go._ " 

"Get that -  _please,_ White," cried Blue. "We don't need to see this!"

"'Put different material on every screen so we can get a comprehensive overview of the human sex drive,' you say? Don't mind if I do!"

Every square inch of the chamber's walls was suddenly wallpapered with lewd videos, with every imaginable topic on display on at least one screen. No one could hear anything but a cacophony of moans, screams, and White's chuckling. Connie fell to her knees and cupped her hands to her ears. "I'm gonna die in a giant tube of pornography," she whispered. 

There was a sniffling sound, but surprisingly, it wasn't coming from Blue Diamond, who seemed to have shut down and could only muster a hollow stare, wall-eyed and expressionless. It came from Connie's left, where a weepy-eyed Yellow Diamond was biting her gloved finger and staring at a video that could be classified as "femdom." "You want to do  _that_ to our baby?" she asked Connie. 

Connie felt all rational thoughts of being respectful and compliant to these 50 foot tall dictators disintegrate in a blaze of pure rage. She stood up off the ground and began shouting. "No! Not unless we were grown, not unless he asked, and it doesn't matter anyway, because I get the vibe that he's more of a hugger! This is completely ridiculous! I came here to try and understand my boyfriend's family, and it's turned into a fiasco because none of you trust me, and one of you  _doesn't even want to be here!_   _I_ don't want to be here, and I sure don't want  _you_ here!" She pointed a finger at White Diamond. "So fine! Go! Get away from me, and  _get this smut off the walls!_ " 

Her voice echoed off the walls and cut through the noise of the videos. They all stared at her. Yellow and Blue had their mouths open, and their faces twisted in horror, as though Connie had suddenly exploded into a puddle of goo right in front of them. But White's face was totally expressionless. Without taking her glowing eyes off of Connie, she made a gesture on her holographic tablet and waved it away. The videos disappeared, and the chamber fell into darkness and loud silence. White readjusted in her seat to sit tall and rigid against the back of her throne. Blue Zircon, who had sweat so much during this whole thing that she looked like she had lost a water balloon fight, realized this was the perfect time to actually do her job. She stepped forward in front of Connie and said, "My Diamonds, I apologize for my client's outburst! It was totally meaningless, made in the heat of the moment, and I would like to move for a brief recess so we can all clear our heads-"

She was cut off as white laser beams shot out off the head tyrant's eyes - but they did not move in a straight line. Instead, they zigzagged through the air in seemingly random directions, one of them maneuvering behind Connie and just over her head, where they collided with Zircon. She disappeared in a flash of light, and her gem clattered to the floor. Connie stared at it in horror and thought,  _Oh, God. Omega beams exist in real life._  She looked up at White Diamond. She remembered how everyone said there was a sense of peace that came with accepting death.  _Fucking liars,_ she thought. 

White stood up out of her chair, and Yellow Diamond spoke in the softest, meekest voice Connie had ever heard her use. "White, please be calm. I mean, we had her under so much pressure, and, you know, when some creatures, you know, feel stress, they choose fight-or-flight and sometimes-"

"Not another word," said White.

"Please, White! Connie means so much to Steven-" began Blue. 

"I could kill the both of you in front of your Pearls, and they would say you slipped and fell on your gems." White suddenly seemed much, much larger than her sisters, who tried to sink through the seats of their thrones.

She turned to Yellow's Pearl and barked, " _You!"_

The Pearl stood stiff at attention and tried not to cry. White said, "Say 'Fuck Yellow Diamond.'"

" _Fuck_ Yellow Diamond!" Yellow Pearl shouted with as much enthusiasm as she could force, and then she held her mouth with horror.

"And  _you,_ " said White, turning to Blue Pearl, who quivered like a cell phone about to roll off a table. " _Scream,_ 'Fuck Blue Diamond.'"

"Fuck Blue Diamond!" she choked out with horror.

" _Twice_ as loud as the Yellow one."

" _Fuck Blue Diamond!"_ She screamed in a cracking voice.

"Again, but make it  _echo!"_

Blue Pearl took the deepest breath she could, and belted out, " _Fuck Blue Diamond!"_ The scream repeated through the chamber, and Blue fell to her knees sobbing. White turned to Connie. "These two would die before talking back to me. And you think you're different." She said with a harsh chuckle.

White stomped forward, and Connie took a step away. But suddenly, she saw White's eyes glow brighter. An aura appeared over Connie's limbs, and she felt her body go rigid. She was dragged down, back to the floor, and her limbs were pinned down spread-eagled by the white light. White stood over her, blotting out the bright overhead light that had shone on the platform. She squatted down, like a kid watching a worm writhe on a hot sidewalk, and stared down at her. Connie could see herself reflected in White's gem.

When White raised her hand, Blue Diamond cried out, "My Diamond, we cannot harm a human being! We cannot break the treaty! We are bound by  _your_ authority!"

"I'm not hurting her, I'm just  _touching_ her," said White, and she clenched her fist, leaving only her thumb extended. She touched her thumbprint to Connie's head, pressing her cheek to the floor. Connie began to feel pressure, slowly increasing, and her head began to ache.

"Please, my Diamond," said Yellow Diamond. "These humans are so weak, and you are so  _strong._ You could hurt her by accident."

"Oh, it wouldn't be by accident," said White calmly. She rested one forearm on the ground and leaned over to make eye contact with Connie. She spoke in a measured tone, like a patient teacher.

"Okay. You, little girl, are the first representative of your pathetic, primitive species to ever address me, so it's natural that your little moron mind wouldn't really understand what to do when confronted with a God." She increased the pressure, and Connie felt the bones in her skull grinding. "What you're feeling right now? Focus on it. Remember it.  _That_ is how you should feel when in the presence of God. Do you understand?"

Connie squeaked out a pained nonsense sound. White removed her thumb and stood up, smiling. "I'm glad we're clear on that. I don't like repeating lessons, and I like to think that one member of an inferior species would care enough about its sisters that it would spread the warning to the entire race. So be sure to tell your 'Mother' all about what just happened, and tell her to keep spreading the word."

White didn't wait for a reply, but turned on her heel and tossed her cape over her shoulder. She strolled past her throne and said, "I think I communicated everything I need to with the human. I'm retiring to my chambers, under no circumstances bother me. When you two losers are done in my courtroom, lock up and get back to your ships." She stood on a warp pad, and looked over her shoulder with narrowed eyes at the two other Diamonds. They stood from their seats, bowed their heads, crossed their arms in salute, and said, "Yes, my Diamond."

"And don't kill the girl. She's dumb, but endearing, nonetheless." With that, the platform lit up, and White Diamond teleported away. 

The instant she left, the Diamonds exhaled breaths they hadn't known they were holding. Yellow clutched her head and groaned "Oh my stars, can this day get any worse?"

Their Pearls had jumped off the high thrones, and scrambled to throw themselves against their mistresses' feet, crying and shouting apologies. Yellow ignored hers and massaged her temples, while Blue picked hers up with a sigh and stuffed her into a layer of cloth in her robes, nestling the whimpering Pearl next to her gem.

Connie winced as she felt her head and sat up. She felt dazed, but she felt her heart quicken as Blue stepped toward her, making the ground shake.  _Can you get PTSD that fast? Apparently so!_ thought Connie. Blue bent down, and Connie reared back in panic, but Blue only picked up Zircon's gem between her thumb and forefinger. A blue energy bubble appeared around the gem, and hovered between Blue's fingers. "You're getting a hefty bonus this cycle, for putting up with all this nonsense," Blue told the Gem, and then she snapped her fingers and the bubbled Zircon teleported away to parts unknown. 

Blue turned to Connie and sighed. "I'm very sorry about all this. I had hoped our first meeting would be under better circumstances, but White...well, she is that she is, as she's prone to reminding us. If it makes you feel any better, you probably won't have to see her again after that."

"It does, actually. It really, really does."

Blue extended a finger towards Connie. The girl put her arms around the large blue digit and was helped to her feet. Connie dusted off her pants, and felt ruffled by the whole experience.

"We really do want to be on good terms with you, though," said Blue. "We missed out on our chance to show our Pink how important she was to us once, and that cannot be allowed to happen again. Perhaps things would be better if we got to know you one on one, without any of this formality? If you would be willing to give us a chance, of course."

Connie glanced over at Yellow, who was finally fussing over her Pearl. "Would  _she_ be okay with that?"

Blue chuckled. "Dont mind her, she's just grumpy. I'll bring her around."

"Blue!" called Yellow. "I can't find my Pearl's thundershirt. Did I leave it in your quarters?"

"She can borrow one of mine's!" Called Blue. She brought a hand to her Gem, and in a flash of light, a small, blue, cozy-looking sweater covered in Gem runes appeared in her palm. "Perhaps you should go home now," Blue said to Connie.

"Dont you need my contact information to arrange our next meetings?" asked Connie.

"Oh, we have  _everyone's_ contact information," Blue said, waving her hand dismissively. "Our Peridots hacked the entirety of your planet's communications within minutes of entering orbit the last time we tried invading. We know everything that goes on down there, we'll find you. Here," she said, producing a small tablet, and handing it to Connie. "Have some credit card numbers. Treat yourself to something nice, to take your mind off all this unpleasantness."

"Wow, thanks," Connie said, hoping it sounded convincing. "I hope we can work things out."

"Me too," said Blue. "Goodbye, Connie Maweshwaran." She stood and turned to join Yellow. The platform Connie stood on lowered, and in the room beneath, there were Quartz soldiers waiting to escort her to the teleporter home.

 

***

 

The warp pad in Steven's house lit up, and Connie appeared, looking shaken. Steven ran to meet her, and the Crystal Gems looked on with nervous anticipation. "So, how'd it go?" Asked Steven.

"White showed me pornography and almost killed me. Yellow thinks I want to vore you.  But, Blue encouraged me to commit identity theft with this," she said, indicating the tablet, "so I think I'm on good terms with her, at least."

"You gonna use that?" Asked Amethyst, pointing to the tablet full of info.

"Of course not."

"Good, cuz Peri needs a good gaming PC.  _Yoink,"_ said Amethyst, and she snatched the tablet from Connie's hands and sprinted to her room. 

"I'm not sure I can get them to actually like me," admitted Connie, frowning.

"Of course you will!" Said Steven. "You're off to a great start! My first meeting with all three of them went way worse!"

"... _how?!"_

Steven frowned. "I'll...I'll tell you about it some time, after I've worked through it with my therapist."

"You're seeing a therapist?"

"Yeah." 

"About time."

"Seriously," said Garnet.


End file.
